July, Tallinn
My ailments:
irregular bleeding (thin red blood)
aching wisdom tooth (lower left)
a rash (the sides of my neck turning a brighter shade of red with each day)
All of this I ignore as I’m more preoccupied with
this clump tightening in my chest, vacuum and gravity in its centre, pulling everything towards it. I see why Kristeva called it a black sun – it really does feel like a dying star – with an enormous gravity field and a tight grip around my insides. Sometimes the gravity twists me right to the floor – then i just lay there.
August, Prague
Nights are too hot to sleep and I wake up with a puffy face every morning; days feel like a damp sweater rubbing against my skin. Nevertheless I walk for hours and climb hills each day.
The redness has spread all around my neck and new patches start appearing on my body – they’re always bilateral though.
I get very particular and meticulous when I’m in overdrive – by now I’m wound up so tight, no wonder even my stress is symmetrical.
August, Tallinn
It is in the mornings when I get soaked in the inevitability of the day that my skin itches the most.
I decide to do something about it and then – new skin, like dull red velvet, like the soft underbelly of something that should have stayed submerged.
Ok but what am I supposed to do with it? I touch it each day until it fades completely.
September, Vilnius
I’m wailing, full-on ugly crying and drooling on the floor of my Airbnb in the middle of the night, drunk. This flood of despair is so unexpected – shocked, confused and embarrassed, I turn away from the mirror.
The rest of my time there I mostly walk.
September, Brussels
There is very little air and open space in the city – buildings and roads seem to be under construction all at once.
As I don’t sleep very well, or at all, every action and activity feels too stretched out and I – heavily compressed. I’m now convinced that not sleeping no longer works for me.
October, Helsinki
It’s cold & raining – hair soaked, feet wet. All meetings and visits feel rushed but I still end up missing my ferry back.
I finally take the last ferry of the night and sit outside on the sundeck in the storm for a long time. When I can no longer see the city lights and the darkness seems too finite, I give up and go inside.
In my exhausted stupor everything around me seems pointedly red – the interior of the ferry, tables, chairs, sofas, wall panelling, the bag of chips and the wrapper of the chocolate I bought earlier, my sweater. As I drift off everything somehow freezes and dissolves into a thin watery crimson.
January, Tallinn
I don’t feel cared for and when I remember, it’s exhausting.
March, Tallinn
I’ve suddenly grown resentful and mean and my dreams increasingly violent. There is genuine terror in my sleep; I am aware it’s only nightmares, yet when I open my eyes I don’t stop dreaming. I look into both worlds at once and the violence seeps through.
March, Berlin & Dresden
“One of the most painfully difficult aspects to grasp and live with in this respect, is that life goes on at a different pace in the place you have temporarily left behind when you travel to work. With an abundance of experience, a two-week journey may feel like a single long day. On returning, however, you may come to realise that someone who stayed at home experienced this period in its “actual” length as two long weeks. An apparent gap of thirteen days thus opens up between the two economies of time. What happened to this time? The space of circulation absorbed it. Such time-lags can cause even the most intimate long-term relationships to fall apart. As progressively more people can, want or have to circulate to keep up with the pace of high performance, just as many people cannot or do not want to circulate.”
Reading this in some German train with no designated seat on a Sunday evening is making me really really anxious.
Opal Tapes – A waving Plant; Max Richter – Illuminations/Clouds; File29 – 1-12-140318; Keiu Krikmann – 1. July; Kullervo, Op. 7/II. Kullervo’s Youth Grave; Murcof – Cuerpo Celeste; File29 – Hands up, Don’t Shoot. Fits up, Fight Back; Keiu Krikmann – 2. August, Prague; Caterina Barbieri – Virgo Rebellion; Landry McCann Schmid – Form excerpt from St Francis; Coil – Who’ll Fall; Matthew Sullivan – M.O; Abul Mogard – The Roof Falls; Sean McCann – Eleven Nights in Spain – Excerpt, A Castle Popping; Massacooramaan – Conch Circuits; Keiu Krikmann – 3. August, Tallinn; File29 – 1-13-080718; Ptwiggs – The Longest Dream; Kenji – Toto (Live at Bar Jewell); Antonio Vivaldi – The Winter; Kenji – Mistake (live at Bar Jewell); File29 – 1-14-180818; Keiu Krikmann – 4. September, Vilnius; Prison Religion – Alicia Keys (Lee Gamble Remix); ATC – Around the World (Dj Virage Sud Happy Mix); C.Z – Clouds (ft. Dj Demaciado); Keiu Krikmann – 5. Brussels; M.D James – Pariah; Puce Mary – Dissolve; Spookypapi – Girl Ascends from Club; Key Clef – Make Noise DPO; Keiu Krikmann – 6. October, Helsinki; Clint Mansell – A New Swan Queen; Keiu Krikmann – 7. January, Tallinn; Maxwell Sterling – Jhonn; Keiu Krikmann – 8. March, Tallinn; Seigo Aoyama – Entfernung; File29 – 1-15-190418; Keiu Krikmann – 9. March, Germany; M.D James (ft. Nick Zhu) – Summer’s End; File29 – 1-16-140518
Title : Notes by the Unrefined; Mix : Noëmi Merca; Text : Keiu Krikmann; Voice : Keiu Krikmann; Editor : Nuno Patrício; Publication : O Fluxo; Year : 2018.
